Missing Alvin

Olive: Well so much for me having problems with my teeth. My big bro is at the vets at the mo having his teeth filed down.

They say it's cos he doesn't eat enough hay.

And I eat all his hay...... so I feel a bit guilty now.

His teeth are growing outwards when they should have been gettin gnawed down the whole time, which means that they dig into his cheeks.

And that makes me feel guilty too cos I've been chasing him all over the place when my big brother was poorly.

Mummy and daddy took him for his appointment this morning and he hasn't come back since. I hope he's ok.

I went with him of course and had a chat with all the nice nurses and then they took me into a special room where only special puppies go to get weighed. I was 18.5kg.

But then I came home and the house was empty so I slept for hours. I slept about 3 extra hours this morning. There was no point in getting up cos there was no one to play with really and mummy had closed Alvin's cage to stop me getting all his hay. So I just put myself to bed.

And he's still not home so I'm wondering where he can be? I hope he's ok.

Oh, I'm sorry Alvin, I'm sorry for how I treat you. I just always want to play with you and I know that it's not exactly your idea of fun or anything.

And I'm sorry that I come and sit next to you and then pat you on the head to make you run away so you can leave your food behind. It's only because I'm really hungry.

I try so hard to make you like me. I go up to you as close as possible and then very quietly and gently lie next to you. I even try not to look at you and I just look at a bit of fluff on the floor. Cos I know you don't like me looking at you.
But then, I can't sit still for very long. Mummy says I'm a wriggler. So when I move a few seconds later, you come and punch me on the nose.
But notice that I haven't hit you back in ages? I don't do anything now. I'd rather you hit me cos at least you're giving me some attention.

But today it's just really really boring, and if you're staying away just because of me, then I'm sorry and I'll try to be more thoughtful in the future.

Mummy says they've kept you in because you're not eating anything. Mummy even went in with a nag of your special food but she said you still wouldn't eat it. And she wanted to take you home but couldn't until you had your food.

Alvin, come home. If you don't want to eat, just pass it to me and I'll have it for you and then it will all be happily ever after won't it?

I miss you brother xx

Chilli-dog

Alvin: You wrecked it for both of us Olive

Olive: What? What did I do?

Alvin: Why can't you just be more discreet sometimes?

Olive: What?

Alvin: When you chew furniture, don't do it right under people's noses and don't do it so loudly.

Olive: (cocks head)

Alvin: Like me

Olive: Like you? What do you do?

Alvin: Look, I was chewing furniture long before you came along. It's no new trick, you know. It's just that I do it in moderation and behind closed doors

Olive: What does that mean?

Alvin: Well, mummy and daddy don't want you to eat their furniture. When they moved into this new house, they bought that fabulous shelving unit and the delicious oak dining suite. They are such treats. Things to be savoured. And before your ugly mug came along, I used to treat myself to the odd nibble now and then. But you! You just sit there like you're well within your rights, and just help yourself like it's some kind of buffet. You've no style, Olive.

Olive: Well, those days are over. You can have it all to yourself now.

Alvin: Gee thanks

Olive: What?

Alvin: What? I can have it all to myself now that mummy has smeared chilli oil all over the chair legs?

Olive: Chilli oil? Is that what it is? What's that?

Alvin: Well, you know when you licked the coffee table before and then jumped back and plunged our whole head in your water bowl? Well, that's chilli oil!

Olive: Ugh! Chilli oil? That's disgusting! Why would mummy do that? My mouth was on fire! I licked my whole face and it spread all over and when I tried to rub it off with my paws, I smeared it all over my tail and my tummy and my ears and my back and everywhere. Why would she do that?

Alvin: To stop us eating the furniture!

Olive: But that furniture was so good

Alvin: Exactly!

Happy New Year

Alvin: Happy New Year, dog breath

Olive: Thanks, er, rabbit breath, what's New Year?

Alvin: New Year? Well, that's when one year ends and another one begins. Last year was 2008 and now it's 2009.

Olive: So what happens?

Alvin: Well, nothing

Olive: So, why are you telling me Happy New Year?

Alvin: Well, that's just what you say.

Olive: So....????

Alvin: Look, a New Year symbolises new beginnings and stuff. People wish people a happy new year so that hopefully they will be happy and successful and healthy

Olive: But, why didn't you wish me happiness and health and success before? Why just now?

Alvin: Look, it's just an expression really. People make all kinds of resolutions at New Year.

Olive: Reso-

Alvins: Resolutions are when you decide to make changes in yourself for the better

Olive: Like eating more chocolate drops and stealing the hay out of your cage, cos that would be loads better in myself.

Alvin: No, stupid dog. Mummies and daddies make resolutions like 'I will be more friendly' or like 'I will look after Alvin better and make him happier' or like 'I will always put Olive to bed before 9pm.' You know, things like that.

Olive: Or like 'I will always make sure Olive has lots of little treats and toys to play with to make her happy', or like 'I will give Olive as much of the rabbit's hay as she can possibly eat all the time forever'?

Alvin: No, not like that at all. Things to make the world better.

Olive: But, if they gave me more hay when I wanted, then mummy and daddy wouldn't shout so much or run after me and they would be able to sit down peacefully in the night to watch TV together and wouldn't miss any more programmes cos I was off destroying other things for attention, and then everyone would have peace of mind and no more headaches and next door wouldn't bang on the wall cos of all the shouting, and then probably the world would be a much better place. See?

Alvin: Olive, the world isn't all about you, you know

Olive: (blank)

Alvin: (blank)

Olive: Happy New Year Alvin

Alvin: Forget it.....

Mummy's Sad

Alvin: Mummy was sad again today

Olive: Was she?

Alvin: Yes, this morning, when she was in her towel and she was crying and daddy had his arm round her

Olive: No, they were laughing, silly

Alvin: No, Olive, she was crying, didn't you see the tears?

Olive: Tears?

Alvin: Yes, mummies and daddies get tears down their face when they cry

Olive: Really? What does that mean?

Alvin: It means they're really sad

Olive: (blank)

Alvin: Imagine, right, if mummy put you in your cage and forgot to let you out for ages and went away and didn't come back ever

Olive: (blank)

Alvin: And never gave you any food

Olive: Ouch, that's sad

Alvin: That's right

Olive: So, daddy didn't give mummy any food?

Alvin: No. Well, yes, daddy always gives mummy lots of food

Olive: Well, then why did she cry?

Alvin: Well, Olive, mummies and daddies cry for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with food or playtime. Mummy cries because she wants another little brother or sister for us but can't have one

Olive: Another brother or sister?

Alvin: Yes

Olive: Yippeee!!! Can we have a cat? A big, fluffy grey cat like the one that I met today who was sitting on the car bonnet and who I went over to say hello to and wanted to play with?? Please?

Alvin: No, Olive, not a cat. Mummy wants a Jack.

Olive: Jack? I love Jack. Yippee! His hands taste delicious and they are in just the right place in front of my mouth so I can play with them whenever I like. And when he has food, he always gives me some, and if he doesn't, I just take it cos I know he can't talk and won't tell daddy.

Alvin: (shudders) Oh I hate Jack! He always tries to stand on my head or pick me up by my tail.

Olive: Fun! When can we get one? When?

Alvin: Well, that's the point. Mummy says she's been trying to get one for ages and has been to see special daddies who give you them, but they won't let her have one, and every now and then, she comes to my room upstairs - the room you've started stinking out - and we lie together on the bed and cuddle and she cries into my fur

Olive: Really? That's so sad

Alvin: I know, Poor mummy.

Olive: But why doesn't she lie with me and cuddle me and cry?

Alvin: Cos you'd eat her face!

Olive: True.

Alvin: Anyway, if mummy got a Jack, we'd have to give up our room - I mean, my room - and I'd always be running away from getting my stamped on. Better off it's just the two of us for now.

Olive: Yeah....

Mu-um, Olive's in my room

Alvin: My naughty little sister keeps coming in my room and messing it up. Today I found the inside of mummy's plug-hole under the bed in my burrow. It's of no use to me at all and only makes the room smell.

Olive: Well, how come you get a room, and I don't then?

Alvin: Cos I was here first and cos I need my privacy and space. I'm an intellectual teenager whilst you're a crazy toddler who would be happy anywhere where there's trouble.

Olive: So?

Alvin: So that's why I get my own room and why you're not allowed in it

Olive: But -

Alvin: -But nothing. You know mummy goes mad when she sees you in there.

Olive: yes but that's not because I'm in there neccessarily. It's because I go in there, and very quickly run over to the bedside cabinet. Then I check no one is there and make a grab for the first thing I can. Usually it's one of mummy's candles, which I have to say taste thoroughly delicious. They're green and come in lovely china pots. And then I take my prize under the bed -

Alvin: - Into my burrow

Olive: Yes, into your burrow, whatever, and then I play with it and throw it and chase it and lick it and bite it

Alvin: and make a mess and lots of noise

Olive: and then mummy comes up to join in and chases me round the room which I love. She pretends to want the candle back but I know she just wants to play too. And that's the best bit!!
And then, I know that if I do that for a while, she will go and get a treat for me.

Alvin: Yes but you know she only gets a treat for you so that you will drop the candle?

Olive: Yes, but as long as I get a treat. I don't want no stinkin, green candle. I'll take a treat any day.

Alvin: Ah, the perfect life

I'm cute!!!

Olive: Mummy took me for a walk at the weekend through Tatton Park. It's my favourite place as there are loads of dogs there and they all come up and say hello - although one tried to fight me yesterday and I cried.
Anyway, we were walking along and I heard someone behind us. He was walking the same pace as us so was behind for ages. I kept turning round and he was a big, manly man, like daddy. I wanted him to catch up so we could play so I kept looking back and doing funny things to make him want to play with me.
Eventually, he caught up and over-took us and as he did, he patted me on the head and looked at mummy and said 'That must be the cutest dog in the world!!!'

Alvin: So?

Toothache

Olive: I don't know what is happening to me... I feel like my whole mouth is about to drop off

Alvin: Don't be ridiculous, Olive

Olive: It's true, I am in so much pain. My teeth are so sore. It won't stop hurting me. The only way I can stop it from hurting is to bite things.

Alvin: Here we go. Is that why you had a mouth full of my fur before?

Olive: It's true. And when we were in puppy class, for the last 2 weeks, 2 different dogs have had teeth falling out.

Alvin: You're lying

Olive: I'm not, honestly. Their mummies picked up their teeth off the floor and put them in a bag to take home with them and I heard the big master mummy say that most dogs lose their teeth and swallow them.

Alvin: Ewww...

Olive: I know. What do I do, brother? My whole mouth feels like it's on fire

Alvin: Eww...

Olive: Alvin, help me

Alvin: Ewww....

Olive: All that I can do is keep biting. It makes it feel better. The best thing to bite is mummy's hands and ankles, but to be honest, the chair legs are quite good too. Mummy and daddy have given me loads of chew toys but they're not really good enough.

Alvin: Hate to say this Sis, but you have been panting loads recently too

Olive: I have?

Alvin: Yes, I never noticed before

Olive: What does that mean then?

Alvin: Oh nothing

Olive: What?

Alvin: You'd rather not know

Olive: Tell me

Alvin: Ok but only cos I care. It means all your teeth are gonna fall out

Olive Aaarrggghhhh!!!