Missing Alvin

Olive: Well so much for me having problems with my teeth. My big bro is at the vets at the mo having his teeth filed down.

They say it's cos he doesn't eat enough hay.

And I eat all his hay...... so I feel a bit guilty now.

His teeth are growing outwards when they should have been gettin gnawed down the whole time, which means that they dig into his cheeks.

And that makes me feel guilty too cos I've been chasing him all over the place when my big brother was poorly.

Mummy and daddy took him for his appointment this morning and he hasn't come back since. I hope he's ok.

I went with him of course and had a chat with all the nice nurses and then they took me into a special room where only special puppies go to get weighed. I was 18.5kg.

But then I came home and the house was empty so I slept for hours. I slept about 3 extra hours this morning. There was no point in getting up cos there was no one to play with really and mummy had closed Alvin's cage to stop me getting all his hay. So I just put myself to bed.

And he's still not home so I'm wondering where he can be? I hope he's ok.

Oh, I'm sorry Alvin, I'm sorry for how I treat you. I just always want to play with you and I know that it's not exactly your idea of fun or anything.

And I'm sorry that I come and sit next to you and then pat you on the head to make you run away so you can leave your food behind. It's only because I'm really hungry.

I try so hard to make you like me. I go up to you as close as possible and then very quietly and gently lie next to you. I even try not to look at you and I just look at a bit of fluff on the floor. Cos I know you don't like me looking at you.
But then, I can't sit still for very long. Mummy says I'm a wriggler. So when I move a few seconds later, you come and punch me on the nose.
But notice that I haven't hit you back in ages? I don't do anything now. I'd rather you hit me cos at least you're giving me some attention.

But today it's just really really boring, and if you're staying away just because of me, then I'm sorry and I'll try to be more thoughtful in the future.

Mummy says they've kept you in because you're not eating anything. Mummy even went in with a nag of your special food but she said you still wouldn't eat it. And she wanted to take you home but couldn't until you had your food.

Alvin, come home. If you don't want to eat, just pass it to me and I'll have it for you and then it will all be happily ever after won't it?

I miss you brother xx

Chilli-dog

Alvin: You wrecked it for both of us Olive

Olive: What? What did I do?

Alvin: Why can't you just be more discreet sometimes?

Olive: What?

Alvin: When you chew furniture, don't do it right under people's noses and don't do it so loudly.

Olive: (cocks head)

Alvin: Like me

Olive: Like you? What do you do?

Alvin: Look, I was chewing furniture long before you came along. It's no new trick, you know. It's just that I do it in moderation and behind closed doors

Olive: What does that mean?

Alvin: Well, mummy and daddy don't want you to eat their furniture. When they moved into this new house, they bought that fabulous shelving unit and the delicious oak dining suite. They are such treats. Things to be savoured. And before your ugly mug came along, I used to treat myself to the odd nibble now and then. But you! You just sit there like you're well within your rights, and just help yourself like it's some kind of buffet. You've no style, Olive.

Olive: Well, those days are over. You can have it all to yourself now.

Alvin: Gee thanks

Olive: What?

Alvin: What? I can have it all to myself now that mummy has smeared chilli oil all over the chair legs?

Olive: Chilli oil? Is that what it is? What's that?

Alvin: Well, you know when you licked the coffee table before and then jumped back and plunged our whole head in your water bowl? Well, that's chilli oil!

Olive: Ugh! Chilli oil? That's disgusting! Why would mummy do that? My mouth was on fire! I licked my whole face and it spread all over and when I tried to rub it off with my paws, I smeared it all over my tail and my tummy and my ears and my back and everywhere. Why would she do that?

Alvin: To stop us eating the furniture!

Olive: But that furniture was so good

Alvin: Exactly!

Happy New Year

Alvin: Happy New Year, dog breath

Olive: Thanks, er, rabbit breath, what's New Year?

Alvin: New Year? Well, that's when one year ends and another one begins. Last year was 2008 and now it's 2009.

Olive: So what happens?

Alvin: Well, nothing

Olive: So, why are you telling me Happy New Year?

Alvin: Well, that's just what you say.

Olive: So....????

Alvin: Look, a New Year symbolises new beginnings and stuff. People wish people a happy new year so that hopefully they will be happy and successful and healthy

Olive: But, why didn't you wish me happiness and health and success before? Why just now?

Alvin: Look, it's just an expression really. People make all kinds of resolutions at New Year.

Olive: Reso-

Alvins: Resolutions are when you decide to make changes in yourself for the better

Olive: Like eating more chocolate drops and stealing the hay out of your cage, cos that would be loads better in myself.

Alvin: No, stupid dog. Mummies and daddies make resolutions like 'I will be more friendly' or like 'I will look after Alvin better and make him happier' or like 'I will always put Olive to bed before 9pm.' You know, things like that.

Olive: Or like 'I will always make sure Olive has lots of little treats and toys to play with to make her happy', or like 'I will give Olive as much of the rabbit's hay as she can possibly eat all the time forever'?

Alvin: No, not like that at all. Things to make the world better.

Olive: But, if they gave me more hay when I wanted, then mummy and daddy wouldn't shout so much or run after me and they would be able to sit down peacefully in the night to watch TV together and wouldn't miss any more programmes cos I was off destroying other things for attention, and then everyone would have peace of mind and no more headaches and next door wouldn't bang on the wall cos of all the shouting, and then probably the world would be a much better place. See?

Alvin: Olive, the world isn't all about you, you know

Olive: (blank)

Alvin: (blank)

Olive: Happy New Year Alvin

Alvin: Forget it.....