Chilli-dog

Alvin: You wrecked it for both of us Olive

Olive: What? What did I do?

Alvin: Why can't you just be more discreet sometimes?

Olive: What?

Alvin: When you chew furniture, don't do it right under people's noses and don't do it so loudly.

Olive: (cocks head)

Alvin: Like me

Olive: Like you? What do you do?

Alvin: Look, I was chewing furniture long before you came along. It's no new trick, you know. It's just that I do it in moderation and behind closed doors

Olive: What does that mean?

Alvin: Well, mummy and daddy don't want you to eat their furniture. When they moved into this new house, they bought that fabulous shelving unit and the delicious oak dining suite. They are such treats. Things to be savoured. And before your ugly mug came along, I used to treat myself to the odd nibble now and then. But you! You just sit there like you're well within your rights, and just help yourself like it's some kind of buffet. You've no style, Olive.

Olive: Well, those days are over. You can have it all to yourself now.

Alvin: Gee thanks

Olive: What?

Alvin: What? I can have it all to myself now that mummy has smeared chilli oil all over the chair legs?

Olive: Chilli oil? Is that what it is? What's that?

Alvin: Well, you know when you licked the coffee table before and then jumped back and plunged our whole head in your water bowl? Well, that's chilli oil!

Olive: Ugh! Chilli oil? That's disgusting! Why would mummy do that? My mouth was on fire! I licked my whole face and it spread all over and when I tried to rub it off with my paws, I smeared it all over my tail and my tummy and my ears and my back and everywhere. Why would she do that?

Alvin: To stop us eating the furniture!

Olive: But that furniture was so good

Alvin: Exactly!

Happy New Year

Alvin: Happy New Year, dog breath

Olive: Thanks, er, rabbit breath, what's New Year?

Alvin: New Year? Well, that's when one year ends and another one begins. Last year was 2008 and now it's 2009.

Olive: So what happens?

Alvin: Well, nothing

Olive: So, why are you telling me Happy New Year?

Alvin: Well, that's just what you say.

Olive: So....????

Alvin: Look, a New Year symbolises new beginnings and stuff. People wish people a happy new year so that hopefully they will be happy and successful and healthy

Olive: But, why didn't you wish me happiness and health and success before? Why just now?

Alvin: Look, it's just an expression really. People make all kinds of resolutions at New Year.

Olive: Reso-

Alvins: Resolutions are when you decide to make changes in yourself for the better

Olive: Like eating more chocolate drops and stealing the hay out of your cage, cos that would be loads better in myself.

Alvin: No, stupid dog. Mummies and daddies make resolutions like 'I will be more friendly' or like 'I will look after Alvin better and make him happier' or like 'I will always put Olive to bed before 9pm.' You know, things like that.

Olive: Or like 'I will always make sure Olive has lots of little treats and toys to play with to make her happy', or like 'I will give Olive as much of the rabbit's hay as she can possibly eat all the time forever'?

Alvin: No, not like that at all. Things to make the world better.

Olive: But, if they gave me more hay when I wanted, then mummy and daddy wouldn't shout so much or run after me and they would be able to sit down peacefully in the night to watch TV together and wouldn't miss any more programmes cos I was off destroying other things for attention, and then everyone would have peace of mind and no more headaches and next door wouldn't bang on the wall cos of all the shouting, and then probably the world would be a much better place. See?

Alvin: Olive, the world isn't all about you, you know

Olive: (blank)

Alvin: (blank)

Olive: Happy New Year Alvin

Alvin: Forget it.....